I run. It's who I am. It's what I do.

I run.  It's who I am.  It's what I do. 

I realize that most people don't understand it.  I can't really explain it.   It's just a part of me.

My relationship with running started as a teenager.  It began like any typical teenage romance with an on again off again attitude.  But much like an older, more mature relationship it turned into a serious love affair as the years went by.  I began a regular daily run 10 years ago, long before it was fashionable to do so.  I did it on my own.  I did it for me and no one else.  I had no running partner and I made time for it not matter what else was on my plate for the day.  The kids grew older and it got tougher to fit it in but I have always managed to do so.  It's a part of me that I'm proud of.

When I realized last week that my hope of running CIM for a 2nd time would not happen this year I was angry.  And, I think a few of those close to me were surprised by my strong disappointment.  Now after a few days of reflection I realize that more than anything I am sad and afraid that it might never happen again.  You see I have a deep seeded need to run CIM and do it better than I did in 2008.  The need invades my dreams when I sleep and many of my waking moments.  I cannot escape the desire because hiding behind my wild mop of hair and goofy demeanor is a perfectionist who lurks on the edges of the OCD pool.  I know that's not pretty, the truth rarely is.  But it is what it is and I'd be lying if I tried to say it is anything else.

Tomorrow I will roll the dice of fate and return to the familiar office of my friendly HMO podiatrist Dr. N to see what my running future holds.  What will he say?  I have no idea and I am not even sure what I hope he will say.  I find that I'm forced to ask myself what is the lesser of two evils. That I have a wad of scar tissue that is causing moderate to severe discomfort and nothing can be done for it? Or that the tumor has somehow returned and I must once again undergo surgery?  Neither scenario is one I want to contemplate.  What I really want is for a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand and make the foot magically healed.  I want to go out for a run and just enjoy it, not spend the miles worrying if I'm causing irreparable damage or if it will be my last run.

So as I get ready to call it a night I'm asking for all of you to keep your fingers crossed form me tomorrow.  And it you happen to have a fairy godmother please send her my way.